April Catch-Up
Along with my monthly recommendations, a little bit about falling apart and picking yourself up again
This morning in my yoga class, the teacher reminded us that life is full of moments where we fall apart and then need to pick ourselves up again. The teacher went on to say, “We don’t do this just once, but over and over and over again, for as long as we live.” Honestly, this thought depressed me, and in the 100-degree yoga studio, I had a fleeting sensation that maybe I couldn’t go on any longer; maybe I had done what I could do, and now, let me perish.
The part that really got me was that I instantly saw the truth in this. I can’t tell you how many times I have collapsed and needed to, without grace or elegance, gather myself together again, start anew, trudge on. Whether it was to start a new job, find a new apartment, move to a new country, add new items to my already stringent budget, or simply fight the struggle of waking up another day and living in this world that is so far from what I want it to be. Yes – life is certainly about falling apart and picking ourselves up again.
I remember when my children were young, I worked diligently so that everyone ate enough, slept enough, was clean enough, and hopefully, was happy enough. It seemed that I could hold this routine together for a week or two before someone got a cold or a fever or a baby tooth started coming in or an ear infection appear or we had visitors, and then, everything went to shit. Babies cried, babies didn’t sleep, mama cried, mama didn’t sleep. At the time, I saw this pattern: things were good, something happened, and then things were bad again. I tried to control it, to stop it from falling apart, but I just couldn’t. I remember thinking, Why is this so difficult?
Looking back, I can say that it felt difficult because it was difficult – because parenting is difficult! Parenting is a humbling experience like no other, it seems that it's a compound chain reaction of having other people’s lives that you are fully responsible for pressed upon your own life, your own feelings, your own needs – and all of these intertwined feelings, wants, needs are circling in one body colliding into each other as if there is an intense game of bumper cars in operation inside of you, and no matter how much I tried, I could never fully explain the overwhelm of it all.
I can assure you that this was not my ex-husband’s experience; no, he did not feel this pressure, because, in his eyes, he was not responsible for the children, as if it were a choice. This concept continues to shock and disgust me; as parents, it’s an expectation that women will give all of themselves for their children, and yet for men, they can choose what they want to give or what they want to be responsible for – taking the children to school, bathing the children two night a week, washing up after dinner on Sundays. Now, I realize that most men are not as feckless as my ex-husband; he was certainly an extreme case, however, I do believe that most men don’t share the ownership of the demands that come with having children or a household in the same fullness as women do.
Nonetheless, my biggest breakthrough at managing my life as a parent and, consequently, as an adult was when I realized that no one was coming to save me. We are indeed alone in this world; we can share our experiences with others and lean on our friends or family for support and compassion. But this journey of life is an individual experience, and I continue to choose to pick myself up and put myself back together again and again. So, this morning, when I was faced with this fact of life that I am only too aware of, I contemplated giving up but realized that I have done this before, and I can do it again. There is strength in knowing that only one person controls my life, and it is me.
“The moon and sun are eternal travelers. Even the years wander on. A lifetime adrift in a boat, or in old age leading a tired horse into the years, every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.” – Matsuo Basho, translated by Sam Hamill.
The Road to 100:
As of April 1st, I have read 27 books, which puts me still on schedule to meet my goal of one hundred books in 2025. I have never set a reading goal like this before, and to be honest, I think it's a pretty ridiculous thing to do. I believe in reading what you want when you want, and the idea of a gold star at the end is over the top, in my opinion. However, in light of everything that’s going on in the world these days, this goal serves its purpose as a distraction and to focus me on keeping books in my hands rather than getting trapped on social media or watching the infuriating news. So, while the world is burning, I’m reading, until I can contribute to the fight more tangibly.
March Books
Pelican Girls by Julia Malye
Small Things Like These by Claire Keegan
The Narrow Road to the Interior by Matsuo Basho, Translated by Sam Hamill
Calypso by David Sedaris
Frankie by Graham Norton
Heaven by Mieko Kawakami
Worth a Watch:
Small Things Like These, directed by Tim Mielant, is an adaptation of Claire Keegan’s book.
The Residence, created by Paul William Davies, is an adaptation of The Residence: Inside the Private World of the White House by Kate Andersen Brower.
The Darjeeling Limited, directed by Wes Anderson, was released in 2007, but is worth rewatching.
The Studio, created by Seth Rogan, Evan Goldburg, Peter Huyck, Alex Gregory, and Frida Perez. Currently, three episodes are released on Netflix, with one being released every week on Wednesdays.
Treats for the Ears:
Car Seat Headrest is coming out with a new album; as I write this, two songs from the album have been pre-released.
Portishead is a band that I loved in the 90s, and I’m having fun getting acquainted with their music. Beth Gibbons, lead singer, released her first solo album in 2024.
Sara & Cariad’s Weirdo’s Book Club – They provide fantastic book recommendations, have enlightening conversations, and are an overall tickle to the ears!